Untitled for now.

Posted: June 24, 2020 in 2011 - Jan1 thru Mar 31

As this statement is read, I am standing in the Wake County Courthouse in Raleigh, NC.  It is Wednesday, June 24th, 2020.

This is nearly one year later, approximately 320 days following the night I came home from a fun evening with friends only to experience what turned  out to be the most disturbing and impactful day of my life.

At first it was the device. The device stunned me, shocked me, educated me. That little black box with 360º viewing and night vision was something I’d never seen before. And there it was. Perched on the curtain high above my bed. Looked like a damn cockroach as I came home bleary eyed around midnight. I popped up on the chair to reach for it, grabbed the thing and thought, “what the hell is this?” Too tired to be bothered I just placed it on the dresser and went to bed. Just a few minutes later I was sitting up with my phone in hand. These modern day phones can be so helpful at times of uncertainty. A quick google search and a frantic phone call and my night had really just begun…

The police came to the house and searched the premises. Shining flashlights in corners of the bedroom, bathroom, attic, the whole house. Questions arose as to who has been in the house, friends visiting, enemies, boyfriends, etc. I slept that night just as I’ve slept ever since. On edge. Sleepless. Nervous. Anxious.

One might say it was a relatively easy case. There was communication and basically an admittal of guilt. An apology? Maybe there was that too but I would have nothing of it at the time. How could I? My skin crawled and my knees buckled at every thought of what had happened. I spent that week just trying to be around friends at their homes. elsewhere. Anywhere other than my own home. My home felt unsafe. I felt somehow dirty.

A week later and I decided enough is enough.  I thought, this is ridiculous! It was my birthday and I want to overcome the demons that were haunting me. I invited several friends and my daughter over to just hang out at my house.

A good time was halted suddenly as there was a knock at the door. I gasped and ran to the window. I met the person outside while my daughter, being the only one who knew what had happened, tried to calm everyone down. When the police finally left, I could only try and explain the awkward and uncomfortable situation.

WHY is it awkward and uncomfortable to ME? Why do I feel dirty? Why do I feel like hiding, like crawling, like whispering and cowering?

THIS IS NOT MY DOING! ….not in the least…

And yet I am the one peering around every corner, avoiding unknown paths, treading lightly as I walk through life.

For weeks I couldn’t go any distance in my own effing house without feeling as if someone was watching me. Were there more cameras?

Every sound, light, misplaced object was suspect. Unusual happenstances and otherwise lucky breaks seemed ill felt and uncelebratory as I wait for some sort of sign that this can be over and I can move on with my life.

Even today I think…how dare HE still have a job, have a wife, have a life that is basically unchanged.

I will never understand why, or how, or what convinced you to disrespect my individuality as a person, violate my rights as a human being and disregard my privacy as a woman. I expect that I will I never look at you again as a friend or a trusting member of society.

It is just one day before my daughters 29th birthday. I always strive to find a meaningful gift from which she will learn, grow and flourish. Perhaps my being here today will be enough.

She and I plan to be together tomorrow and I truly hope that I will be able to turn this page and move ahead in this chapter of my life. This all too true story is one that my daughter has heard and from which will hopefully learn. I pray other women and men who are touched by this will learn something as well.

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